Getting out is just one step of the journey to healing from abusive relationships. Leaving requires a tremendous amount of energy, planning, resources, and trusting yourself. Unfortunately, it’s not the end, but rather a powerful (and challenging) beginning.
For me, the first few days out were a huge dopamine hit. “Holy Shit, I actually did it! I freed myself!” I have never unpacked and decorated so fast in my life. I was ready to plant roots. I woke up early, had a morning routine, and got to work on healing myself. This was my fresh start. I was ready to begin healing.
Less than a month later, my baby and I got COVID. My immune system was not only crashing due to years of being in freeze/fawn and later fight/flight, but I was terrified about my daughter’s health, especially when she was away from me. We didn’t have a court ordered visitation plan, so every time I brought my daughter to him, I was afraid I wouldn’t get her back. The cycle between him and I hadn’t ended either. He would try to love bomb or Hoover me in saying he missed us, loved me, and was thinking of me (all after immediately trashing the rest of my belongings I left behind). This was followed by harassment, texts attacking my character, and then silence. All of this, plus now having more bills to pay and not sure when I could work, taking care of two children, and feeling intense sensations in my body, I started having panic attacks.
My PTSD was so intense, noises outside of my window or neighbors above me set my anxiety off. For months, I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. My body felt as though the world was constricting me like a python squeezes its prey. Looking back, my system was thawing out. I had the constriction as “not safe” in my body during the relationship, but I wasn’t allowing myself to feel the sensations because it was too intense. So I blocked it out.
I’ve never had more maladies in such a short time as I have since being out (10 months now). However, every month I’m out, I feel more and more like myself.
I tried talk therapy outside of my normal therapist and it was actually more triggering than helpful. I joined a group on Circles, and while it was nice to be seen by others and know I’m not alone, hearing stories just brought up more trauma.
What IS working is using my BODY to heal. I’ve used floating, working out, yoga, breathwork, acupuncture, massage, ecstatic dance, self-pleasure, Vagus Nerve somatic exercises, and EMDR and all of these things have been wonderful- albeit challenging at times.
I’m continuing my own field research in a course called Embodied Pelvis and the connection of abuse and the pelvic floor are fascinating. As I heal myself, I have even more tools to offer those in similar situations.
I want to help. I understand how hard it is- to admit the love is an illusion and built on manipulation and control, to make the decision to leave, to get out, and to make sense of yourself and the world after your escape. Leaving an abusive relationship is freeing yourself from a hostage situation. If you have children with your ex, you have to be intentional and careful with your responses and boundaries are more important than ever. I can help with that too. I can also show you how to find worthiness and deservingness in yourself so you stop allowing others to mistreat you.
I have not only the raw experience of my situation and events to draw upon in my own life; I understand it’s not just an easy fix or decision. I also have the knowledge. Years of schooling on healing arts, sex, love and relationship coaching that yields incredible results, and hundreds of hours of research on the topic of abuse, narcissism, dark triad personality types, and what abuse does to your brain and body.
This is what I’m passionate about. You deserve real love. You deserve peace, happiness, freedom, and empowerment. You never deserved abuse.
If this resonates for you, let’s talk. If this sounds like someone you know, please pass my information on to them.
You’re not alone. There is a way out.