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I Didn’t Grow Up in a Sex-Positive Environment

I did not grow up in a sex-positive environment.

My sex positivity and openness about my own sexuality, how I desire to help others, and how I view sex as sacred and a vehicle to human evolution is the result of a lot of inner work, heartache, and reclaiming shadow parts of me.

My mom called me a whore when she found out I had sex for the first time. Our relationship is much different now. I say things like “I’m going to do sex magic on this”, she sees my posts, and has watched my oldest daughter for me so I can teach roomfuls of women about the art of handjobs. After a rough adolescence, I consider her one of my best friends and she’s incredibly supportive.

There was a lot of religious under-and-overtones on both sides. My mom’s side is mostly Catholic and my dad’s side United Methodist. Both traditionally have very conservative views on sexuality. There were some conflicting elements however, my dad and grandpa had wallpaper of nude women, stacks of Playboys, and would comment on attractive women, often in objective ways.

I was curious about sex and relationships though from an early age. After passing over magazines lying around in the basement, I finally opened one. I was six or seven. I was fascinated, intrigued, and it was imprinted that in order to get attention from men, I had to look a certain way and show off skin. The movies and shows I watched were full of romance and love, with their underlying tone “get into a relationship and everything will be perfect”.

In my curiosity I explored my own body, only to get scolded for “rubbing”. I desperately wanted a relationship and to be loved, so I shared my body at the young age of 14. I was pulled out of school, shamed, grounded, and then marked as a “slut” amongst my peers. I wanted my dad to tell me he loved me, was proud of me, and tell me I was good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough etc.. He commented often on gorgeous women on TV or in magazines, so in order to get the attention of men, I began to emulate them.

I was attracted to men who would praise me initially, but who were also avoidant and critical. I found myself with partners who loved the sexual parts of me at first, then slut-shamed me or told me I put too much emphasis on sex. It was confusing, because they didn’t have an issue in the beginning. Then when it felt unsafe to be sexual, I was criticized for not putting out. My sexuality was weaponized no matter what.

I wanted to avoid being called a slut, so I got into longterm relationships that weren’t satisfying. I hid my openness, my creativity, my wildness, my deep love, and tried to contort myself to fit into tight boxes.

My sexual curiosity remained throughout all the pain, like a pilot light waiting to fully ignite. I was tired of being hurt in relationships, desired to have fulfilling sexual relationships with my partners, and wanted to figure out why I couldn’t get this right. I devoured books, podcasts, workshops, and shows. I dove into therapy and tried to get partners on board with the things I was learning.

It has been in the breakups, the heartaches, and the life shattering experiences that I find lost pieces of sexual vitality that is my birthright.

One breakup led me to writing erotic stories and telling a group of 150 people about my sexual shame. Telling people about it was the open vulnerability needed to accept my sexuality. The erotic stories allowed me to write my narrative around sexuality being a beautiful gift, to reclaim the pleasure I rightfully deserve, and to own my erotic mind. I still write them. You can find some here:

I chose to see my recent pregnancy and birth experience as a celebration of my sexuality. I used pleasure and holistic sex tools to bring my daughter into the world. During my pregnancy I was in school to become a certified VITA Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach. It was the perfect time to learn and transform. I experienced first hand the power of my own sexual vitality.

After leaving my ex, because of abuse, cheating, and sexual assault, I have been reclaiming sexuality for myself. I’ve been partner sex abstinent for a year (except for one time, which was really a reflection of what I don’t want), and have used this time to heal myself through self-pleasure. I’m having the best sex of my life with myself. It’s truly transcendent! I used the break as an opening to become even more familiar with my sexuality. I feel sexually vibrant, alive, and empowered.

My family talks about me behind my back, and is appalled by the sexual openness. The amazing thing is, it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t make me recoil. I’m out of the box and I’m not going back in. It feels way too good to be liberated, to reclaim my power, and to return to the whole integrated state which includes sexuality. It’s when we repress, deny, avoid, or hide sexuality that it becomes twisted. I’m going to continue to welcome and accept all parts of myself.

I will continue to love all the parts of me, explore and celebrate my sexuality, educate others, and provide a safe space to talk about this. I believe it’s necessary for our evolution, our healing, and our ability to connect with others.

Make love, not war. Understand that as we repress sexuality, we are actually creating war within ourselves and in our relationships, our communities, and the world.

Today, I invite you to celebrate your sexuality. Find one to three things that you love about seeking pleasure, connection with your partner, or anything else that lights you up about your beautiful birthright of enjoying your sexuality. Maybe you had a powerful orgasm today, you wore cute underwear that has you feeling confident, you enjoyed flirting with the barista, or anything else that allows you to remove the shroud of shame covering this sparkling wellspring.

Sexuality and pleasure are your birthright.

Everyone who told you that your pleasure was wrong, was wrong!

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