It’s easier to kick the guy to the curb that is inconsistent with communicating with me, rude to me, that I don’t have great chemistry with, or our interests don’t align. It’s an entirely different ballgame to REALLY like someone: multiple common interests, white hot chemistry, lots of laughter, play, and epic conversations, and to feel an immediate kinship, only to realize there’s a familiar piece of the cycle I am ready to break.
Imagine dating someone you’re excited to see, talk to, so attracted to, that every time they tell you something about themselves you can’t believe they’re real. This is what I experienced, until I was honest with myself and what I truly wanted. There was one core piece that I knew longterm would either shatter me in a million pieces, or create an environment of dissatisfaction if we continued and I let it fester within me.
I weighed this thing against my four core values and reflected on “what I heard” versus “the truth”. It’s so fucking hard to look, because within me is this fairytale princess who desires a deep connection, but has, in the past, overlooked some very key pieces in order to get that “fairytale romance”. It’s resulted in falling flat on my face and crumbled into tiny pieces.
It can be hard to let go if I am looking at this amazing person from the lens of scarcity, not trusting that I will find someone wonderful that checks all the boxes, or thinking that I don’t want to have to start all over again. It came down to the truth that I am and will always be, my longest relationship.
If I break commitments to myself, go against my values, or gaslight myself into staying because I only see what I “want” to be true, then I’m violating the most important relationship- the one with myself. And if I violate that relationship, no outside relationship will be truly satisfying. If I abandon myself, I will also feel they are abandoning me, and ultimately they will feel abandoned by me.
Breaking it off was hard, but I reflected on my core values: Truth, Devotion, Growth, and Safety and I found that I wasn’t living up to my own values if I continued to date him. I know how it ends, because it was part of the familiar cycle of all the unavailable men I’ve dated. Whether they were actively in a relationship, still married, cheating on me, a narcissist, couldn’t make or keep plans, inconsistent AF, emotionally avoidant and unavailable, weren’t really committed or commitment-phobic, or an interesting blend of several, they were all unavailable for intimacy. Now, I can unpack why I was attracted to this particular flavor of man in another blog.
I have stated, even in my dating bio, that I’m not looking for this “serious, longterm monogamous, this-is-how-relationships-should-look, and speed-to-the-marriage-finish-line” type of relationship, I’m definitely looking for a deep connection that doesn’t need to look like what society says it should.
I want Truth: someone who tells themselves the truth, tells me their truth, and doesn’t shy away from all the parts- theirs and mine.
I want Safety: if they aren’t available, they are not fully present.
Growth: I want to evolve together, call each other out by reflecting what we are experiencing, and encouraging each other. Devotion: I desire such deep intimacy, leaning in even when it’s hard, and being willing to show up again and again. It also requires full presence, and a devotion to the individual. That we will both continue to grow and evolve, as we use the container of the relationship to heal, evolve, and become more self-actualized. I desire sacred sexuality, seeing it as so much more than a physical act. I am no longer willing to sacrifice my core values.
This requires an unwavering faith and trust in myself. I trust that although I let go of something I perceived as freaking amazing, I will find more amazing people around the corner. I trust that I’ll have everything I need even if I’m not in a romantic relationship, that my life is fulfilling even without another person in it. When I trust myself, it doesn’t matter what others outside of me do, I will know what to do that’s best for me in every moment.
Trusting myself requires honoring my commitments to myself. It’s what builds self-esteem. I trust that my relationships are a reflection of me: is this part of the familiar past and continuing the cycle, or is this for my growth and evolution? I believe ending relationships (or careers, friendships, ways of being) that aren’t in alignment with our truth is part of that evolution.
Reader, if you’d like to learn how to identify your core values, keep commitments to yourself, trust yourself, and develop the deepest, most rewarding relationship with yourself, send an e-mail to savannahrosecoaching@gmail.com